Tuesday, July 6, 2010

One man against Nature

                                   
              By Mory Keita

Yet,still are clouds whispering thy name,
Heavens, behind the white curtain, hailing thy beauty,
Birds sing to enchant thy days,
The sun smiles at thou face, the moon stalk thou above sky,
 Stars twinkle to appeal to thou tender eyes,
Winds caress thy skin with such vigor.
All are there to please thou.

How can I remain passive when the wanders of nature eyes are upon thee?
How can I sleep knowing that you are far from me?
Thy skin is tenderer than soft falling snow,
Thy eyes, thy looks, are brighter than the holy beams of sun and moon,
Thou are lovelier than summer’s falling leaves,
Thou are more elegant than the universe itself.

Envy consumes my combustible heart like fire,
It burns my hopes and desires, tears my eyes:
It makes my heart fall like snowflakes.
But who am I, compared to the grandeurs of the universe!

-----------------------------------------------------------

 One man against nature ( edited version)

Yet, still are clouds whispering your name,
Heavens, behind the white curtain, hailing your beauty,
Birds sing to enchant your days,
The sun smiles at your face, the moon stalk you above sky,
 Stars twinkle to appeal to your tender eyes,
Winds caress your skin with such vigor.
All are there to please you.

How can I remain passive when the wanders of nature eyes are upon you?
How can I sleep knowing that you are far from me?
Your skin is tenderer than soft falling snow,
Your eyes, your looks, are brighter than the holy beams of sun and moon,
You are lovelier than summer’s falling leaves,
You are more elegant than the universe itself.

Envy consumes my combustible heart like fire,
It burns my hopes and desires, tears my eyes:
It makes my heart fall like snowflakes.
But who am I, compared to the grandeurs of the universe!


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16 comments:

J Bar said...

Great shots and words.
Sydney - City and Suburbs

vivinfrance said...

Who cares if it's off prompt when you give us a lovely poem like this.

I'm not sure about all the thees and thous - they don't really add anything for me, and are difficult to read aloud.

1sojournal said...

I'm with viv, on this one. The thees and thous really break the flow of your love poem. And although I relate to and understand the desire to use them, they are anachronisms here.

Elizabeth

twitches said...

I like the combustible heart that then falls like snowflakes. An interesting contrast.

Tumblewords: said...

A lovely poem!

cheryl said...

Hi Mory, thank you for visiting The Pond. I've read your poems and for one of such a young age you have an ole soul. That's a good thing :) Wonderful imagery you weave Mory. I'm in awe. Perchance you would like to submit at The Inferno sometime. Don't be shy, we are a fun band of folk and friends. Let your heart sing with words.

Mory said...

Thank you all for your suggestions. it is certainly true that the "thou" and "thy" break the flow and make it hard to understand.i will reedit this poem and post it.


@cheryl, it will be a pleasure to submit a poem to the inferno. i will participate in the next submission.

thank you very much to all.

mory

flaubert said...

What a beautiful poem!
Pamela

Rogue said...

I got here via Cheryl. Good stuff Mory. You ARE a writer. Now,it's simply a question honing your skills. Welcome to The Inferno.

Dasuntoucha said...

You paint some grand pictures with your words...ONE::

Leviathan said...

Very poetic indeed, Mory. Keep writing and one day u will be a really good poet, I can tell u that...

"Envy consumes my combustible heart like fire,"
"It burns my hopes and desires, tears my eyes:"

Not bad at all,

Btw, I have posted the follow up to the last post u read on the blog, do go thru it and lemme know what u think,

Hope u enjoy reading it :)

Thank you

Mory said...

thank you leviathan and Deb. i have read both of your story and poem respectively. they are truly amazing.

Deb, the simplicity and beauty of our poem is stunning.

Thank you both.

1sojournal said...

Mory, I was afraid after leaving here yesterday that my comments had sounded too harsh. They were not meant in that manner. And I really like how the poem came much clearer after the editing. It puts me in mind of a modern day Song of Solomon. Thank you for letting me be a part of your process.

Elizabeth

Mory said...

Harsh?? not at all. it was a very fair criticism and i really appreciate it. how am i suppose to become a better writer if someone doesn't point out my mistakes and flows?

your comment has made me a better writer. i wish everyone could post comment such as your's. moreover, your comment shows that you read the entire poem and pondered upon it. i love criticism, especially when they are fair literal criticism.

i hope you didn't feel bad about your comment. it was truly one of the best i have ever had.

Thank you,

Mory

Jingle said...

http://itistimetothinkformyself.blogspot.com/2010/07/pinks-in-6-words-i-wish-u-award-winning.html

Friendship awards.
Enjoy some!
;)

Mory said...

Dear Jingle,

I would like to thank you very much( from the bottom of my heart) for awarding to me the friendship awards. it really is encouraging.

Thank you,

Mory

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